Surviving That First Holiday Season After a Loss
For people who have lost a loved one, through death, divorce, or even relocation, big holidays throughout the following year often prove painful and difficult. Rituals that brought joy in years past serve instead as stark reminders of missing loved ones.
"Holidays can reawaken the grieving process," says Marianne Wamboldt, MD, Director of the Center for Stress and Anxiety Disorders at National Jewish Medical and Research Center. "It can be extremely painful. But there are ways to cope, things you can do to get through the holidays and even to find comfort."
Don’t ignore it
Many people try to bury their grief and generate false cheer during an inevitably sad time. But that is the worst thing you can do, says Wamboldt. Grief must have its due. Ignoring the loss will not make it go away; it will only prolong the pain. Wamboldt advises people to acknowledge that holidays during the first year will be difficult, and to take that into account when making plans. Think about simplifying your holiday plans and scaling back on potentially stressful activities.
Remember
Wamboldt suggests setting aside some time to remember the lost loved one. When stockings are hung, during a special meal, or at some other holiday gathering, give people a chance to talk about fond memories and sad feelings. Like a mini-wake or funeral, this can help people grieve and move on. But try to contain this activity to a limited time period so that mourning doesn’t overwhelm the entire holiday.
Start a new ritual
A new ritual can serve as a positive way to remember and honor the lost loved one. Give something back to your community with a donation or a volunteer effort. Or participate in a family activity. Wamboldt said her family assembled a puzzle in the week between Christmas and the New Year in the first year after her grandmother died, and have done it every year since. Working on the puzzle serves as an easy way for family members to spend time together, keeping busy with their hands and talking if they want or just quietly being together. Several years later, it is an enjoyable ritual that brings their grandmother to mind because they started it the year she died.
Dr. Wamboldt is an Associate Professor of Psychiatry in the Pediatrics Department at National Jewish Medical and Research Center. In the clinic, she oversees the evaluation and treatment of children suffering from stress and anxiety disorders. Her research focuses on stress, anxiety and other psychological factors that influence allergic disorders, such as asthma and atopic dermatitis.
National Jewish Medical and Research Center, in Denver, Colorado, is devoted to research and treatment of lung, allergic and immune system disorders, including asthma, allergies, tuberculosis, chronic pulmonary obstructive disorder (COPD), lupus and other autoimmune disorders. For more information, contact LUNG LINE at 1-800-222-LUNG (5864).
